the pickle problem

by brisss (pronounced brie)

people tell me, “brisss, lots of things can be pickled.”

eggs.

beets.

onions.

even pigs feet.

i believe them.

but then i have a question.

why are cucumbers the only ones that get promoted to just…

pickles?

nobody says, “brisss, would u like a pickle?”

and hands u an egg.

no.

because everybody knows ur talking about cucumbers.

interesting.

if i pickle an egg,

its still a pickled egg.

if i pickle a beet,

its still a pickled beet.

if i pickle an onion,

its still a pickled onion.

but a cucumber?

apparently it gets a whole new identity.

why?

what makes cucumbers so special?

or perhaps…

what happened to them was so severe that people decided they could no longer be called cucumbers.

think about that.

people often tell me, “brisss, thats just what they’re called.”

Exactly.

thats what concerns me.

nobody seems interested in explaining why the cucumber is the only vegetable that goes into witness protection.

the others keep their names.

the eggs remained humble.

the beets remained humble.

even pigs feet remained pig’s feet.

but the cucumber goes in one jar and suddenly its:

“actually… i'm a pickle now.”

if I met someone who completely changed their name after spending a few weeks in a jar, i would have questions.

instead, people put them on sandwiches.

personally, i think thats a little conceited.

if changing ur name is the first thing I do after sitting in vinegar, maybe the vinegar isnt the problem.

people really need to be talking about this.

i hope this clears things up.