brisss lögic

b r i s s s the ninja? w hy some people think i would make a good ninja by b r i s s s (pronounced brie) recently, some people have told me, " b r i s s s , u would make a good ninja." i appreciate their support. the first question i usually get is, " b r i s s s , who are these people?" thats not really important. the important thing is that there are enough of them for it to keep coming up. people also ask, " b r i s s s , have u ever trained as a ninja?" no. but neither has every ninja. everybody starts somewhere. another question I hear is, " b r i s s s , have u ever even met a ninja?" not that I'm aware of. which, if anything, suggests theyre doing an excellent job at ninjaing. some people believe ninjas are difficult to see. personally, i think thats one of their better qualities. i have also been told that ninjas are quiet. i dont think that's entirely ...

the candy silo w hy water bottles should hold s k i t tl e s by b r i s s s (pronounced brie) people keep asking me, “ b r i s s s , why do u fill ur water bottle with s k i t tl e s ?” i have a question. why are u filling yours with water? water disappears. u drink it. then its gone. that seems like poor storage. s k i t tl e s , on the other hand, remain available throughout the day. this transforms an ordinary water bottle into what engineers refer to as a candy silo. people often tell me, " b r i s s s , thats not what a water bottle is designed for." neither were shopping carts. yet people put children in them every day. objects evolve. so should we. people also ask me, “ b r i s s s , how are u supposed to stay hydrated?" i already have a favorite cup. thats where blue juice goes. im not carrying my favorite cup around all day. it has a home. the bottle travels. the cu...

the pickle problem by b r i s s s (pronounced brie) people tell me, “ b r i s s s , lots of things can be pickled.” eggs. beets. onions. even pigs feet. i believe them. but then i have a question. why are cucumbers the only ones that get promoted to just… pickles ? nobody says, “ b r i s s s , would u like a pickle ?” and hands u an egg. no. because everybody knows ur talking about cucumbers. interesting. if i pickle an egg, its still a pickled egg. if i pickle a beet, its still a pickled beet. if i pickle an onion, its still a pickled onion. but a cucumber? apparently it gets a whole new identity. why? what makes cucumbers so special? or perhaps… what happened to them was so severe that people decided they could no longer be called cucumbers. think about that. people often tell me, “ b r i s s s , thats just what they’re called.” Exactly. thats what concern...

my favorite hymn by b r i s s s (pronounced brie) people often say, “ b r i s s s , hot potato by the wiggles is not a hymn.” this is a surprisingly common misunderstanding. it brings people together. everybody knows the words. it teaches valuable life skills involving temperature. that sounds like a hymn to me. some people think the potato itself is symbolic. i agree. the potato represents goodness. it is dependable. it has never betrayed me. unlike pickles . this is something people dont talk about enough. a potato knows exactly what it is. a pickle used to be a cucumber. then one day it completely changed. nobody asks why. everybody just accepts it. personally, i find that concerning. people say, “ b r i s s s , its just pickling.” Exactly. if something can completely change its personality after sitting in a jar for a while, how am i supposed to trust it? a potato would never do th...

why people ask me about vampire hunting by b r i s s s (pronounced brie) many people ask, " b r i s s s , how did u get into vampire hunting." i dont understand the question. nobody asks birdwatchers how they got into birdwatching. sometimes u just have interests. some people collect stamps. some people knit. i prevent vampire related incidents. i dont see why my hobby requires additional explanation. the next question is usually, " b r i s s s , there arent any vampires ." Exactly. people seem to think this weakens my position. it actually strengthens it. u know how many vampires there are right now? none. ur welcome. then they ask, " b r i s s s , how do u know u stopped them?" because i havent seen one. i feel like that's fairly compelling. many people also ask, " b r i s s s , have u ever encountered a vampire ?" not since i started hunting them....

  naps are temporary death by b r i s s s (pronounced brie) some people say, “ b r i s s s , naps arent death.” then explain what happened. i was awake. then i am not. hours pass. then i return. sounds familiar. — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — s upporting evidence during a nap: * i stop participating. * nobody knows what im doing. * time skips ahead. * i wake up confused. * people keep checking to make sure im okay. interesting. — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — a dditional evidence when someone is asleep, people say, “ b r i s s s , dont wake them.” why? if theyre fine, wake them. Exactly. — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — c ounterargument some people say, “ b r i s s s , ur still breathing.” that sounds like a technicality. — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — s cientific conclusion a nap is: * less serious than death * more serious than...

  glitter & demonology a practical field guide by b r i s s s (pronounced brie) founder of the the anti-vampire bureau — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — introduction: many people ask, “ b r i s s s , does glitter really exorcize demons?” the answer is yes. many people then ask, “ b r i s s s , how?” those people are asking the wrong questions. — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — chapter 1 what is a demon? a demon is any entity that: * causes problems * enjoys causing problems * refuses to elaborate * has bad vibes examples: *** demons * demons * some vampires * certain pickles * yip yips * clowns * furbys *** not demons * snacks * favorite cups * hello panda crackers — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — chapter 2 why glitter works demons thrive in darkness. glitter is: * shiny * impossible to remove * visible from orbit therefore: demons hate it. a de...

  lögic by b r i s s s by b r i s s s (pronounced brie) w hy snacks taste better if theyre free some people say, “ b r i s s s , food tastes the same regardless of who paid for it.” then explain halloween. — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — (IMPORTANT TRANSITION HAS OCCURRED) — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — w hy aliens would probably like hot chocolate some people say, “ b r i s s s , we have no evidence aliens enjoy hot chocolate.” we also have no evidence they dont. Checkmate. — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — (IMPORTANT TRANSITION HAS OCCURRED) — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — w hy clouds are just sky bread some people say, “ b r i s s s , clouds are water vapor.” that is exactly what sky bread would want u to think. bread rises. clouds rise. suspicious. — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — (IMPORTANT TRANSITION HAS OCCURRED) — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — ...

sniff first w hy everything should be sniffed first by b r i s s s (pronounced brie) i think everything should be sniffed before any major decisions are made. some people say, " b r i s s s , thats ridiculous." those people have clearly never accidentally trusted a suspicious melon. the nose is the bodys quality control department. people trust their eyes immediately. eyes can be fooled. have u ever seen a realistic plastic fruit? Exactly. some people say, " b r i s s s , u cant just go around sniffing everything." first of all, i can. second of all, if nobody was supposed to sniff things, why is our nose in the middle of our face and not on our elbow? nobody ever answers that. books have smells. cookies have smells. blankets have smells. tiny alien tumblers have smells. this is information being provided to u free of charge. ignoring it seems wasteful. this is called planning ahea...